Being a Felon

I never thought that I would ever write about something so personal as this.  I know that I have made mistakes in my life, but I never thought that I would make such a tremendous mistake that I would be forever hampered with a criminal record.  This, unfortunately, has been my consuming thought for the past 2 and 1/2 years.  You see, I was given a deferred judgment, meaning that the entire situation would be erased from my record after successfully completing probation.  Little did I know that this would be an extremely difficult task.

When I was arrested, I was in a blackout state due to excessive alcohol intake, and have no recollection of the event.  Essentially, I returned home from my Grandmother's funeral and felt extremely depressed about the great number of people who had died before their time in my life.  I drank to an extreme that I had not before, and have about 8 hours worth of amnesia in that night.  After a few hours, I came out of my blackout in a hospital room, handcuffed to the bed.  I was incredulous.  There was a Scott County sheriff there, and she took off my handcuffs because there was so much blood everywhere.  Apparently I had broken a window out of a business with my bare hands right before I was arrested and cut my hand and forearm to shreds.

When I arrived at jail, I was amazed to see the seeming assembly-line nature found there.  I was now a number among many other criminals.  I fantasized, in my mind, of the simplest way to commit suicide, though my passive nature forbade my to go through with the thought.  For that I am thankful.

After waiting for 27 hours to see a judge and considering many avenues of self-euthanasia, I learned that I had been charged with 3rd degree burglary.  My life had been turned upside down.  I couldn't imagine that I had done such a thing!  What an absolutely strong enemy, the one that can be found in yourself!

I spent 2 years being afraid of myself, the law, and chance.  I realized, in those 2 years, that fear is not a good motivator.  Following my heart and not second guessing myself has kept me striving for a better life, even when I may have previously given up hope.  I definitely believe that everything happens for a reason, even if I don't understand what that reason is immediately.  Eventually, I trust, I will understand life in a way that will allow me to look at defeat and smile.  Until then, "Que Sera, Sera...Whatever will be, will be.  The future's not our's to see.  Que Sera."