"I want you to be my friend," I stated, "I can't trust myself any further than that right now. And I won't make any promises because they have been proven to not matter." She replied, "But I mean, do you want today to repeat itself, or was today...just for today?" To me it seemed like a slippery slope. I didn't want it to be just for today, but I couldn't imagine living without this wonderful person-in whatever fashion that may be.
I couldn't lose this friend. This absolute, last, burned-so-many-bridges-that-this-is-the-only-one-left friend. She asked for an idea, something to hold onto, keep her looking toward the future. In my desperate mind, I said "What do you want and what can I do to ensure that you are an important part of my life forever?" I knew the answer that she wanted, but I simply couldn't give it to her, with an honest conscience. "I don't want to lose you."
"You saved my life and that is God's honest truth." She had, in fact, saved my life-much like you would save a child from drowning. But she was the only one who responded to my cries for help and I would be damned to lose that kinship forever. "I don't want to keep feeling like I have you, and then having the pain of losing you all over again," was her astute response. We had been down the road of promises, lies and broken hearts, and I wasn't going to pretend that we could try that path again.
"Then maybe today can't happen again if losing you might be the end result." I couldn't help but feel that I was already losing her. Had already lost her a long time ago. But I couldn't let go. And I wouldn't. She, rightfully so, responded, "I'm afraid you'll change your mind, find someone new, and find out that your life is really just fine without me..." I was confused. How could she possibly lose me? "I'm not sure what today was, but I know that it made me feel loved and adored, and I would give a thousand lives to feel that way again. Look, I don't know how things will work out, but I want to know that, in 15 years time if I had to reach out to someone for help, you would be right there waiting to lend a hand or an ear. And I want to do the same for you. I guess all that I can do now is show you that I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere."